The dreamer and the accountant: the tension between fantasy and reality

20 Oct

Have you ever been in a partnership where you feel as though all of the day-dreaming belongs to one of you whereas all of the ‘bean counting’ belongs to the other? One person has their head in the clouds as opposed to the other person who keeps their feet firmly on the ground. It can be a wonderful combination where there is mutual respect for both inspiration and creativity but also grounding and structure. Not necessarily chaos and rigidity, but a beautiful blend of flexibility and organisation. However, sometimes these roles can become polarised to the point where one person ends up owning all of the mischief and the other holding all of the order. They take pride in their positions and end up devaluing what has become their opposite, or an envy creeps in as each person feels stuck in their extreme caricature. This situation could even give rise to stagnation as the same dynamic loops round and around.

This type of tension can equally exist within a single person, when we flip between maintaining control over our day-to-day realities and practicing acceptance of the practical aspects of life, to releasing ourselves into the way things could be and diving into our imaginations. Other blog posts in this series have explored control of the future course of life and control over our behaviours in the external world. However, this tension is more about our internal experience and how we relate to the boundaries of reality and fantasy, what we are drawn towards and where we believe we need to invest our mental energies, which can then also translate into the material world. There can be a feeling of grief when we are pulled too far away from our personal sense of equilibrium - that particular discomfort alerting you to something not being quite right, equal, stable or fair, either within your own mind or your relationships.

Ideas for engaging with this particular tension:

BODY: lay down a long, thin item on the floor, e.g. a roll of wrapping paper, a dressing gown cord, a piece of string. Put one foot on one side and one foot on the other. Close your eyes and take a few slow and gentle breaths. Look down at your feet again and assign one foot to being in ‘reality’ (whatever that means to you) and the other in ‘fantasy’. Allow your body to shift and change posture while you focus on one of those sides. See whether any images or memories or sensations or ideas emerge from being in this place. How would your body want to move? Then spend some time in the other ‘place’. What happens to the feel of your limbs and the rest of you there? Go back and forth between the sides, gaining a feel for each and perhaps trying to feel at home in either. When you are ready, take a little stroll and imagine that you are straddling the two worlds, finding a balance between the two. Feeling like you belong a little in both, even if one is more awkward than the other. Watch out for where you lean towards and consider making peace with the phrase ‘everything in moderation – including moderation’ as you go.

MIND: cast your mind back over your history of significant relationships, platonic and/or romantic. Of the various pair-bonds or groups you have been part of, can you recall whether you ever took the role of the dreamer or of the accountant? Is there a pattern there, whereby you have regularly taken one role over the other, or is it more complicated? It may be that when you are older or in a position of authority, you were more likely to be one or the other. Or is it more situational, so that when you are more anxious or have more/less resources, you lean in a certain direction more? Be mindful of any judgements you might be making regarding yourself or another. Do you like the idea of you being one more than the other and if there are any cultural references associated with that preference? Are there any regrets connected to ways that you have behaved in either role? I am reminded of a simple phrase that I read somewhere once: “how long do you keep making the same mistake? Until you learn.” What have you learned about yourself and others from being in either role and how would you like to move forward?

SPIRIT: in her book ‘If Women Rose Rooted’, Sharon Blackie talks about the need to be an ‘edge-dweller’ sometimes, whereby we try to inhabit the places where two things collide. There is a blurred space between reality and fantasy as we step away from the past and into the future. From our fantasies we can create new realities. Also, Toni Morrison suggests that ‘as you enter positions of trust and power, dream a little before you think’. Can we make room for some dreaming of how things could be, and some letting go of the potential pre-existing limitations placed upon our problem-solving and decision-making processes? There is nothing wrong with dreaming and nothing wrong with counting, unless either squeezes out all possibilities of progressing with our lives and relationships. Reality can be enchanting and fantasy can be stabilising. How can we use our wisdom around this to find healing for ourselves and our wider communities? How can we play to our strengths while still share these energies so that we may all experience the pleasure of both?