The dandelion and the orchid: the tension between hardiness and hypersensitivity

27 Jun

I remember coming across the idea of ‘the dandelion and the orchid’ when I was deep in a challenging life phase, and I recall liking the concept but not quite having the headspace to be able to use it yet. It speaks to the differences that you sometimes see in children, whereby some are able to fit right into whatever setting they find themselves in and somehow thrive (the ‘dandelion’), whereas others are driven to sculpt the people and routines they are embedded within, demanding that the world changes in order for them to blossom (the ‘orchid’). This seeming robust-ness or demanding-ness is not necessarily conscious or deliberate – ‘orchid’ people are often highly sensitive to both internal and external stimuli, whereas ‘dandelion’ people may be less prone to the same type of reactivity. This dance between the body and the environment can create quite different interpersonal patterning as individuals proceed through life.

It’s easy to moralise here as, of course, sometimes we do all just need to compromise and so ‘orchid’ people can be seen as difficult, precious and hard to please. However, there are also times when we all need to stop to tune into the quiet signals that are being broadcast inside and out, so that we can maximise our health and well-being, as well as that of others around us. In this way, ‘dandelion’ people can potentially come across as insensitive, indiscriminating and sometimes overly accommodating. Finding a balance when wrestling with how much to attend to subtle signs of threat/discomfort and how much to insulate yourself from them in order to be flexible in a world of competing demands can be challenging. We can fall into the trap of believing that perhaps we need to change the essence of who we are. However, this does not need to be the case.

Ideas for engaging with this particular tension:

BODY: spend some time observing your own levels of reactivity (which may or may not be connected with different types of physical health conditions). Are you someone who is very sensitive to hot and cold temperatures for example? Do you respond strongly to different tastes or smells or textures, and find it uncomfortable to eat a wide range of foods perhaps? Are there particular sounds that trigger powerful feelings of stress or maybe bright lights can feel especially debilitating. Maybe none of these things have ever occurred to you and you generally feel quite relaxed with a broad range of sensations. Do you ever feel a little blunted in terms of sensory reactivity and actually sometimes feel like you want to turn up the ‘volume’ on your experiences? Whatever the level of sensitivity, reflect on how you might be able to ‘make friends with your nervous system’ without necessarily needing to change the world outside you.

MIND: it’s important to hold on to the idea that we can be both OK just the way we are, while also having lots to learn. Feeling as though you are either too fragile or too unaware can trigger judgements and then shame too. We can accept the way we are, while also learning to communicate our likes and dislikes differently or perhaps even expanding the repertoire of activities we are able to enjoy or signals we are able to pick up. Highly sensitive people can experience some fairly common sensations as almost intolerable, which can lead to them protesting fervently or becoming controlling. Less reactive people can sometimes find themselves missing out on useful cues or prompts, either within themselves or others, which can result in a less intense or even dulled perception of events. Write down the ways in which your quality of life is impacted by these and the steps you can gradually take towards reducing the downsides.

SPIRIT: we may not be able to change our inborn physiology, but we can try to make peace with it and respect it (although please be aware that not all ‘sensitivity’ is connected with our innate temperament – people who have experienced traumatic or adverse life events may have noticed an increase in their stress reactivity levels and this is something that may settle over time, perhaps with support). In your mind’s eye, picture yourself as either nurturing an orchid or a dandelion, depending on whichever you feel more similar to at that time. See the aliveness in the plant and how it pours its energy into flourishing. Observe as closely as you can, until you can perhaps connect with the delicacy and softness of the dandelion that exists alongside its hardiness. Or become aware of the resilience and persistence of the orchid that exists alongside its vulnerability. Try to allow them their place in this vibrant world.