Seeking and settling: the tension between setting off and staying put

27 Jun

There is a part of humanity that is ever-seeking, with eyes on the horizon for new pastures and sensations, wondering what is over the crest of the next mountain. And similarly, there is the aspect of our nature which longs to settle and find a particular place to call home, glad to not need to search any more. Both drives are integral to our history – which includes both nomadic peoples who have built a life around roaming and settling peoples who have formed more permanent attachments to specific locations. Of course, these motivations have sometimes been fuelled by events such as famine or war, or the prudence to make use of natural features such as rivers or hilltops or fertile ground. However, as we can see even from those we engage with in our own relatively small circles, there are also personality factors that can come into play and impact on our dilemmas or decision-making.

Some of us enjoy, or are perhaps better able to endure, a certain level of routine to our lives. We like predictable rhythms and can tolerate the more mundane side of life. It can be hard to know whether we are genuine creatures of habit or just afraid to stretch out our comfort zones while secretly daydreaming of adventures in unknown places. Whereas some are drawn to innovation and novelty, and have a slightly (or possibly much) higher threshold for risk. We crave exploration and our naturally curious natures need space to push the boundaries out before the heavy feeling of entrapment sets in. It can be difficult to work out whether we are free spirits or just restless souls (who will always have a little bit of the old ‘grass-is-greener’ syndrome). Many of us recognise both of these impulses, and times in our lives when one urge has been more dominant than the other.

Ideas for engaging with this particular tension:

BODY: spend a little time with your wardrobe and as you sift through the items, pull out something that gives you a feeling of familiarity and ease. It might be an old pair of jeans that you decided not to get rid of, maybe because they are comfy or allow you to connect with a time or place that is nostalgic for you. As you hold (or wear?!) this item and feel the fabric wrapping around you, what happens internally for you? Do you feel settled and steady, comfortable and calm? Or is there any boredom or dissatisfaction with something so known to you? Now find the newest item of clothing and bring it close to you. Do you remember the feelings you had when you first bought it or received it? Did you feel excitement and interest, enlivened and emboldened? Or was there any apprehension or wariness? Are you able to appreciate both types of feeling, even though you might have a preference for one over another? (If you aren’t into clothes, then reflect on other types of objects around you, like stationery or kitchenware)!

MIND: grab a pen and paper, and create two columns labelled ‘chilled’ and ‘thrilled’. Think about different areas of your life (e.g. work, hobbies, family, friendships, romantic relationships, food, arts, spirituality) and reflect on what you might need from these things, in terms of familiarity/sameness and novelty/newness. Of course you will probably need a bit of both and so the concepts will straddle the two but maybe look at the spread as a whole and see how the land lies overall. You may not feel that these things are in any way mutually exclusive but still, have a look at the granular detail and see if there are any learning points. It might be that you are quite a sensation-seeker when it comes to romance but still value the settled feeling of a long-term relationship. How can you access these feelings with your partner or do you need to chase that feeling within another domain? Try to adopt a ‘both/and’ attitude and experiment with how that contrasts with an ‘either/or’ stance, e.g. I can be both settled with and intrigued by my partner.

SPIRIT: imagine your life as a series of growing cycles which start with the preparation of the ground and the planting of seeds. These cycles may refer to ideas or projects or relationships. The air is alive with possibility and the excitement of something new being brought into existence. Imagine those seeds growing and your care helping them to become strong. There is a time of cultivating and nurturing, before harvest and storage and finally a time of no movement at all. Become mindful of the fact that at any one time, something in your life is waiting in the wings, ready to shoot up and burst with vitality. This while there are other areas which are ripening so that you are able to enjoy the fruits of your labour and yet others which have become still and steady – or at least so it seems. There is a something reassuring and also stimulating about this constant change, and there are always new depths to discover or phases to experience, even when you think you cannot learn anything new about someone or something.