Connecting and collecting: the tension between being relationship-oriented and task-oriented

27 Jun

When caught in dilemmas about where to best invest energy, people often refer to the ‘choice point’ that they find themselves in when it comes to either meeting the needs of a relationship or meeting the needs of a task. The lean towards either prioritising a bond with another being, or focusing on a goal. Sometimes these tendencies are closely associated and can work harmoniously together or, at other times, they may be diametrically opposed, meaning that tough choices need to be made or a new equilibrium must be discovered. For example, in couples therapy the goal may be to improve communication and increase intimacy. In this way, the task and the relationship are aligned so that the labour that goes into better listening and deeper emotional expression will likely lead to healing of any relational ruptures that have occurred.

What can make it so complicated is that these two ways of being often require quite different emotional and psychological skill sets. Being relationship-oriented asks us to take a nurturing, sometimes accommodating and occasionally yielding approach. We are invested in process more than outcome. We must be receptive and attuned to the signals that might indicate shifts in emotionality in others. Being goal-directed demands that we take a rational, sometimes uncompromising and single-minded stance. Outcome is privileged over process. We must be sensitive and alert to signs of perceptual or tangible shifts in our environment. Both positions are active and instinctive. All human beings have the capacity to access both types of mindset, and both hold value. How can we make room for partnership between these two energies so that they both have the oxygen they need to survive and support each other?

Ideas for engaging with this particular tension:

BODY: find a space that you can stand alone in. Close your eyes and conjure up the image of some kind of target in your mind. It might be a dart board or a distant mountain peak. Anything that you can imagine yourself aiming for. Let everything else fade into the periphery. Feel your feet on the ground and try to position yourself so that you feel as though you are truly standing in your power. Narrow your senses so that your attention can be gathered up closely around your goal. How does this feel? Is this comfortable? What is happening in your body? Is there any resistance? When you are ready, move your body so that you can be either close to or see something living. It might be a plant, or an animal or a person. You don’t need to be touching but you don’t want to have too many things in between you. Connect with a sense of safety within and allow this feeling to move into the space between you and this other being. In whichever way you can, stay in connection and imagine that you are perhaps gifting each other something in some way. How might you be able to shift your internal or external experience so that you can hold both your target and your connection in mind?

MIND: start to examine some of the beliefs that you might hold around being relationship-focused and task-focused. For me, the types of words that spring to mind regarding relationship-oriented behaviours include: nurturing, receptive, intuitive, cooperative but also manipulative, passive, indirect, duplicitous. With regard to goal-oriented behaviours, I link them with the words assertive, boundaried, protective, focused yet also controlling, aggressive, competitive, dominating. Your words may be very different or there may be some overlaps. Are there parts of yourself that you see in these ideas? Is there one side of your nature that you are keeping suppressed for fear of being judged or consumed by it? Where does that come from? How might these attributes impact on your health, your community, our society? Is there an imbalance in our world right now and what steps might we take in order to move towards changing the status quo. How does this relate to power, oppression and privilege? Do some free writing to explore this further.

SPIRIT: humans like stories, patterns, algorithms. Throughout our history we have found ways to represent our deep unconscious via fairy tales, fables, myths and legends. Jungian psychotherapists refer to archetypes which are shared symbols for key concepts and themes that relate to our collective existence. These appear in the stories we tell and other artworks we create. Cast your mind back to childhood narratives that captured your imagination and provided models for being either a binding/connecting force or a more material/acquisitive one. Are there particular story-telling traditions that hold the essence of these complimentary forces and perhaps even speak of integration of the two? Yin and Yang, Shakti and Shiva, Isis and Osiris, the gods and goddesses of ancient Greek or Norse or Celtic mythology. And I’m sure there are many others in folklore from all around the world. They speak of the searching, seeking and healing that can occur between these divine energies. Maybe we can imagine our way into stories that do not need to place these elements within separate entities in such a concrete way. Imagine a way to let each part of you breathe and co-exist.