Remain and relinquish: the tension between holding on and letting go

27 Jun

One of the states that I see my clients and my loved ones (and myself) struggle with the most is the feeling of grief. It seems to be something that can take a very long time to learn to walk alongside. And I don’t simply mean bereavement through death, although that is of course a very profound type of loss. I also include ‘living losses’ such as when a relationship breaks down, when a job role ends, or perhaps a major change to the way someone is able to live their lives due to illness or injury. It’s very hard for the heart and mind to accommodate these kinds of transitions and, after the initial shock, we may find ourselves in a confusing dance whereby we are caught between clinging to our old life while also simultaneously building a new one. It is the oscillation between the two that is a significant part of the work of mourning.

In cases where there is an element of choice about the loss, there can be extreme inner conflict about whether to hold onto something/someone, or to let it/them go. The dilemma about whether to stay with someone who is pulling away from you, or to keep trying to find a cure for a currently terminal disease or to battle on within a work team or industry that is burning you out, can feel overwhelming at times. We may be desperate to continue to stay strong and fight while also being full of angst about whether it might just be best to stop and surrender. It may be that one response flows more readily than another, as in the Rainer Marie Rilke quote: ‘We need in love to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily – we do not need to learn it’.

Ideas for engaging with this particular tension:

BODY: look for three objects in your house or in the space around you. One that you could quite easily dispose of, one that you would feel some resistance towards throwing away and finally one that is quite precious to you. With each object, hold it in your hand as tightly as is possible without damaging it, and observe the difference in the sensations you feel between the three. Imagine what might happen if you did hold it so tightly that it broke or became bent out of shape somehow. Then try to hold it a little more lightly and see what you feel. Finally either place the object down or let it go so that it falls to the floor. If you want to play with the speed at which it moves away from you, feel free to place it on something with wheels (like a skateboard) and notice happens when you watch it go into the distance. Experiment with what feels comfortable/uncomfortable.

MIND: analyse what happens in your mind when you consider an issue that you have been wrestling with which involves either letting something go or holding onto it. This may be something that feels minor or major. It doesn’t matter as it is the tension itself that you want to tap into. Perhaps start by completing the sentences ‘I need to keep holding onto …’ and ‘I need to let go of …’. Then focus on each one in turn. Ask yourself ‘why’? Put a magnifying glass onto any thoughts, feelings or beliefs that follow. Do they feel like they’re connected to your overall personality style? Are they things you learned during your formative years from people you grew up with? Is there anything defensive about the ideas that arise, in that they feel as though they are there to protect you from experiencing particular feelings? By holding on, are you afraid that you may come to pieces? By letting go, do you feel relieved to be free? Start to reflect not just on the what, but also the how. If you either hold on or let go, how can you stay whole and healthy?

SPIRIT: when you find yourself in a spacious mindset, allow yourself to contemplate the idea of non-attachment. It is an old concept, found in various religions, philosophies and therapeutic traditions that encourages us to notice when we are becoming overly fused with a particular longing or yearning for something or someone. And then to step back, allowing ourselves to detach slightly so that we can potentially suffer less in our lives. From a non-judgemental position (which is challenging to achieve as we are often ironically quite wedded to certain moral standpoints on issues like this), feel your way through this notion. Does it feel like it is something that is possible for humans and animals to achieve? What is the value of moving towards this type of relationship to the things around us? Do you feel any deep feelings of protest towards this or an openness to it? Develop a visualisation that helps you to feel safe with holding on until the time comes to ultimately let go.