Control and equanimity: the tension between making things happen and trusting in the process
This is a common, and often central, dilemma for people participating in therapy or in a change process in general. How much do I try to steer the course of my story or manage aspects of my personality/circumstances? The urge to predict, anticipate events and hold on tight to our plans so that we can nail everything down can be strong as it can feel temporarily empowering and energising. And then how much energy do I invest in relinquishing the grip I am trying to maintain on my fortune and move towards accepting the way things are unfolding? Allowing myself to expand my narrowed perspective so that I can understand that there are processes beyond my fingertips and outside of my current awareness. This is not a state of passivity or resignation – acceptance can take up a lot of resource, particularly when control has become an automatic strategy for coping with intolerable feelings.
Sometimes people use control as a way of managing anxiety, grief or shame; other times it’s part of a learned pattern of dominance and a way of seizing power. Sometimes it’s both. Many religions, faiths and belief systems have attempted to address this tension and I often find myself referring back to proverbs and statements that have arisen from this deep contemplation, e.g. god moves in mysterious ways, trust in god but tie up your camel, let go and let god(dess), the ‘Serenity Prayer’, Zen philosophies. These wisdoms speak to the blend of agency and humility that helps us to navigate the ups and downs that present themselves to us. Over thousands of years, people with or without a specific belief system or therapeutic approach, have created rituals, routines and rhythms that help us to sit with the idea that some, but not all, things are beyond our control and how to stay enlivened with this knowing.
Ideas for engaging with this particular tension:
BODY: engage in postures that allow you to experience sensations relating to control and release. ‘Progressive muscle relaxation’ is one type of activity that may provide an opportunity to physically maintain tight control over an experience and contrast it with the feeling of letting go and ‘being with’ your current state. This is where someone works through different muscle groups one by one and practices strong contraction followed by total relaxation. Do you prefer one state to another? Is there any resistance to either? You may find other ways of expressing healthy surrender and control (if you have a faith, you may naturally come across prayer positions that allow you to sit with this and martial arts disciplines often involve stances that make room for this). See if you can start feeling some level of comfort with both states. The idea is not necessarily to develop ‘expertise’ with a skill but to explore the sensations that arise in both and start to practice flexing between the two.
MIND: make a list of what you believe are the ‘controllables’ and ‘uncontrollables’ in your life. Then make a list of the things you find easy to accept and those that you find more difficult to accept. Reflect on the reactions you have towards these lists. Are there any imbalances that you would like to address? Can you make connections between the lists and your temperament or early childhood experiences? When people feel under threat, they can retreat into old patterns of coping, which may look like the classic ‘fight, flight or freeze’ reactions. People who fight threat may use controlling behaviours in order to combat feelings of powerlessness; people who flee or freeze may feel uncomfortable with control – preferring escape or numbness. Have a think about what happens emotionally when you enter these states and what feelings might need to be processed in order to find more balance, e.g. loneliness, vulnerability, rage.
SPIRIT: create a visualisation that helps you to connect with a feeling of safety when it comes to moving between states of control and acceptance. In Sarah Wilson’s podcast/audiobook ‘Make Anxiety Your Superpower’ she describes a scene in which you are floating in a raft on a river. When you imagine this scene, play with the river’s current and see what happens when the water flows a little faster or there are twists and turns. Do you find yourself experiencing impulses to grab onto the reeds on the river bank to control the speed at which you are moving, or to jump off and swim by yourself, or perhaps relax into the feeling of being held by the river and seeing where it takes you? Do you want to know where it is flowing or are you open to the uncertainty of not knowing? Try to deeply feel your way through this visualisation rather than think your way through it and offer yourself self-compassion if/when it becomes difficult.
