Safe haven and secure base: the tension between comforting nurture and emboldening encouragement

27 Jun

Much of my time in the therapy room involves exploring the legacy that clients are holding regarding the nature of the parenting they received during their early years and childhood. These conversations may refer to the experiences they had with their actual parents (biological or otherwise) or other significant adults who may have taken responsibility for their welfare. These contemplations do not necessarily need to involve blaming and shaming but are often more about exploring and understanding the inner commentary that people can have running through their heads as adults. The degree to which we exercise caution and keep ourselves small, as well as flex our independence and embrace challenges in the big wide world is sometimes related to the different energies that we were surrounded by while we were growing up. The way that parents and carers responded to risk assessment and management can have profound impacts on how safe we feel while navigating relationships, careers and our passions.

Having a family, or building a team or bringing an idea to life are acts of creation. They require different types of care in order to grow and flourish; to survive and thrive. There is a need for tenderness and shielding, for carefulness and staying in one’s comfort zone. But there is also a need for movement out into a bigger life, for curiosity, courage and risk-taking. We need unconditionality so that we deeply know that we do not need to constantly change in order to be acceptable (self-improvement and self-care are not the same thing). This helps us to develop an unshakable belief that we are worthy of love. And we also need conditionality too so that we deeply know that earning respect from others does not need to be humiliating (humility and humiliation are not the same thing). This helps us to develop an unshakable belief that we are worthy of respect. Sometimes we feel more drawn to one form of care more than the other, but ultimately it’s useful to be able to flex both sets of muscles.

Ideas for engaging with this particular tension:

BODY: play with the difference between sheltering something in safety and sending it out into the world with bravery. Perhaps try some chair work (a classic therapy technique which I won’t do justice to here as it’s a lot more complicated than I’m going to make it out to be!) so that you can explore the psychodrama that forms part of this tension. Maybe hang a jacket or a hoodie over the back of the chair and position yourself so that you are standing, kneeling or perhaps sitting in a way that allows you to experience the feeling of keeping it free from harm. Not necessarily in a defensive manner but in a responsive way. Does this suit you? What types of feelings or thoughts does it trigger? Is there any resistance or dislike of holding the space like this? Now take a step back, shake off the energy and move so that you are positioned in a way that demonstrates your willingness to act as a springboard for that chair. Not necessarily pushing it away but giving it the confidence to move. How does this land with you? Did you prefer the focus on vulnerability or resilience? Keep re-positioning until you can feel settled in both.

MIND: firstly, begin by reflecting on whether you are naturally drawn to one or more of the following roles: Parent (where you feel comfortable with taking responsibility for people or projects and being directive), Adult (where you are invested in processing information about people or projects, listening and sharing responsibility) and/or Child (where you are able to be more in contact with your emotional states and can either accept or actively resist holding responsibility). When connected with the Parent state, write down the style that you resonate with most: being the ‘safe haven’ for retreat or the ‘secure base’ for jumping off. Think about where your comfort zone is. Consider, as author Matt Haig did in ‘The Comfort Book’, whether your comfort zone ever starts to feel like your ‘discomfort zone’ – when it stops you from being all that you could be. Consider your relationship with risk management and whether this means you might sometimes be over-involved or under-involved with the people or projects that you care about. Dare to think about how you might be able to stretch out your comfort zone so that it is capable of containing some of the experiences that are less familiar to you. Then let it rebound back. And repeat.

SPIRIT: during a quiet moment, let your mind drift a bit so that it becomes loose and free. Visualise yourself as a little boat on a tranquil sea for a while. Then imagine the wind picking up so that the water gets choppy and you are reminded of the bigness of the world and the smallness of you. Let this little boat find a calm harbour or cove type place so that the storm is no longer such a threat and relax into the feeling of being safe, with the arms of the universe around you. This is a feeling we all need sometimes and it’s a feeling we are all able to provide as well. Now imagine that the boat has places to go and it must face the turbulent waters. There is a pod of dolphins behind you, urging you on and helping you to believe that you can do it. You connect with a feeling of being keen to navigate the waves which is important too. You can venture out into the world and withdraw when you need to as well – both are forms of compassion. Connect with the creative, caring energies you have been gifted with before in your life and the times that you have offered these to others as well.