Burden and bliss: the tension between taking too much responsibility or too little responsibility

27 Jun

There are times in life where we might feel pulled (consciously or unconsciously) towards holding the full weight of a situation or a relationship on our shoulders and find it hard to share this burden with others. It might be in terms of bearing the brunt of a physical strain, or solving a complex problem, or taking on emotional stress. Sometimes we do this to protect or shield others, or to confirm beliefs we might hold about being the ‘only one’ who is able to fix things, or because it’s the only way we are able to access a feeling of goodness inside or maybe elicit love/respect from others. Often this form of self-sacrifice is a learned behaviour but other times, it may be an old defence from early life experiences when there was no one to rely on who could provide the support or care that was needed.

The opposite may also be true. People sometimes have difficulty connecting with the ability to take responsibility for things. They swerve and slip and slide out of scenarios where they could potentially carry some of the load. Again, this can be a learned behaviour – a way of coping with the discomfort of commitment or consequences – that they may have witnessed in significant others. Repeated avoidance of culpability means that people do not have the opportunities to build skills, confidence and mastery when it comes to holding heaviness and some of the intense emotions that can accompany this process. It can be that people switch between these two states – when the heat gets too much, there is a collapse and without any remedying of this dynamic, there is a return to looping through this exhausting cycle.

Ideas for engaging with this particular tension:

BODY: if possible, work with another person on some activities that involve sharing a physical burden. It could be carrying a heavy bag between you or folding a large sheet together or perhaps moving a large piece of furniture. As you do this, observe any resistance or unexpected pleasure from the task. Does it feel awkward to be experience the gaze of another while you are engaging in something slightly challenging, do you find yourself drawn into ‘counting’ or comparing the amount of effort each of you are putting in, or do you imagine that this would all be so much easier if you could just own it all yourself? Are you relieved to coordinate your actions with another human being, is there something strangely soothing about any mirroring that you end up doing, or does it just feel ‘right’ somehow to gradually work out how to take on a challenge together. Keep practicing until it comes more easily.

MIND: spend some time considering whether you are more ‘Velcro’ or ‘Teflon’ when it comes to taking responsibility for things, and whether this changes across various areas of your life. In what ways do you tend to take on too much, and in which areas do you feel as though you are being carried somehow? Are there certain relationships in which it is easier or harder to share responsibility? Cast your mind back to a particular example when you were either holding too heavy a weight, or when you were trying to turn away from bearing strain. Analyse the images, memories and thoughts that run through your mind with regard to this. Emotional maturity is partly to do with being able to take on a fair level of responsibility for situations/relationships. Think about what might be unfair, unjust or unreasonable in that situation and reflect on ways in which you might be able to adjust your boundaries to encourage more balance.

SPIRIT: sit quietly in a space and moment in which you will not be interrupted for a few minutes. Take some slow, deep breaths and allow your body to relax. Breathe in a soothing rhythm until you can feel your mind starting to settle as well. When you are ready, move your hands so that they are resting on your lap/knees, with palms facing up – as though you were about to receive something. In one hand, visualise a heavy weight being placed into it. Study the feeling of it and really try to connect with the sensation in your palm. Then turn your attention to the other hand and observe the feeling that comes with imagining weightlessness. Notice any physical or emotional reactions you have. Gradually turn your palms so that they are facing and move them slowly towards each other. Allow the hands to touch and clasp, so that they are sharing weight together. Dwell on the union of the two.