Dismissive and preoccupied: the tension between keeping a safe distance and two becoming one

27 Jun

The way that we attach to others and the various dances we do in order to feel safe in relationship often fall into two broad styles. We may consciously or unconsciously fear closeness and find a myriad of ways to avoid it, believing that really we are better off staying as a distinctly separate entity with our vulnerabilities contained in a hidden place. Or we may consciously or unconsciously fear autonomy and are instead drawn to seeking refuge in the warmth of a bond, merging together with another, relieved to have found our other half. Of course it’s not as neat and tidy as all that and we may end up having slightly different coping strategies for different types of connections, such as feeling comfortable with friends but more insecure with partners or parents. The research data also suggests that some of us fall into a ‘secure’ pattern of attachment, whereby we feel equally at ease with closeness and autonomy.

Sometimes the ‘insecure’ styles can become extreme so that they end up defining our personality and making it hard to function in intimate situations (romantic or otherwise) as we either try to turn away from the intensity of connection or lose ourselves in the bonding process, not knowing where we end and the other begins. Some people, particularly those with a history of traumatic interpersonal experiences, may exhibit behaviours from both ends of the spectrum, maybe flipping between the two in a confusing and erratic way. Attachment theory suggests that it is often in particularly stressful circumstances that our defences become most obvious as we cling to any trusted life rafts we have available to us. Luckily it seems to be possible for us to heal - with consistent attunement from trusted others who can offer ‘corrective attachment experiences’ and the chance for us to work towards ‘earned security’ eventually.

Ideas for engaging with this particular tension:

BODY: if you are brave, find someone you feel comfortable with to do this exercise! Otherwise locate some kind of ‘transitional object’ (something that you are able to access genuine comfort from), preferably that has features of a living being (e.g. a doll, cuddly animal toy, little figurine of a person, or maybe even a photo). With a trial-and-error approach, figure out how close or how far away you like to be from this person or object. Ask yourself how much of yourself you’d like them to know – is there a sense of relief when there is a good band of space in between you or does it feel like you cannot get close enough? Are there urges to flee or enmesh? What kinds of images or visceral sensations are there, such as a fear of being swallowed up or a resistance to being intruded upon or a desire to interweave souls? Do you feel emotional warmth or coldness, excitability or numbness/blankness? Is there any middle way, whereby you can enjoy a sense of mutual sovereignty while also being part of a blended unit?

MIND: having read the paragraphs above and maybe having tried the first exercise, you are likely to be formulating some ideas about your attachment style, and how it has either helped or hindered you in your life up to now. Draw three circles on a piece of paper and label them ‘codependence’, ‘independence’ and ‘interdependence’. Without over-thinking it too much, start to write down any words or phrases or even names of people that are connected with these labels. There is no right or wrong – just watch what bubbles up and try to capture your ideas as best you can, even if they feel a little vague at first. Is it easier to generate material for one of the circles more than others? Do you feel anything when you look at them, or are there any that trigger a lack of feeling? Do you notice any defences coming up or any wishes to turn away from them? Keep scribbling and start to wonder what might happen when certain circles collide? Would they gel or repel? Would it be short-term fascination or long-term magnetism?

SPIRIT: make yourself a cup of tea and meditate on this excerpt from the poem ‘On Marriage’ by poet/writer Kahlil Gibran, which can apply to any type of bond:

“Love one another, but make not a bond of love;

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup;

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone;

Even as the strings of the lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping;

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together;

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”